Karen has twins!
For those that know me I’m a private person, but I’ve determined it’s necessary for me to speak about my journey into motherhood as a “SMBC” (Single Mom By Choice) openly and freely. I want to be able to help others that have been going through the same or similar situation as me.
It’s not easy being a woman in a society where they expect you to be engaged, married, or a mom during what they believe is the correct timeframe. In that time frame people feel they have the right to ask you all these personal questions about your marital status and reproductive system. Questions that I feel can be uncomfortable and indiscreet. But they feel it’s the normal, everyday questions that even your own family feel the right to ask you repetitively. I get asked at family functions, friends’ birthdays, dinners, just because gatherings, and even at the hospital when visiting a relative or a friend.
Apparently my va-jay-jay was a hot topic cause I was always asked questions like: when are you going to have kids? Are you planning to have kids because you’re getting older? What’s wrong, isn’t your clock ticking? Karen, do you have a boyfriend? Any updates on the love life? When are you going to get married? Do you not want to have children or be married? Do you want to spend your life just partying & being single? I want to see you happy, when are you going to surprise me to tell me you have someone in your life?
My forever response has been don’t worry about me I’m enjoying my life to the fullest and don’t want to be married with kids at a young age. I pretty much brushed the questions off because in reality there was truth in my response. I didn’t want to be a young mom or be married at a young age...since I can remember my mother would always tell me “daughter enjoy your youth don’t make the same mistake I made rushing to get married and have kids, no regrets but wish I would’ve enjoyed my youth”. I took her advice because I believed it as well as witnessed it with many of the adults surrounding me going through mid-life crises trying to do things that they weren’t able to do in their late teens and 20’s cause they were caring for their husbands and children. These same adults would tell me how they regretted not taking their time and enjoying their various stages of life. With all that being said I was enjoying my college years and my 20s…hanging out with friends, family, going on various vacations, coming and going whenever I felt like it. It didn’t mean that I didn’t want the traditional meet a man, fall in love, get married and have children. I was just enjoying my life because my vision was always when I get to my late 20s and early 30s I’ll worry about settling down, but of course life doesn’t always go as you plan or envision.
As time passed I started to become concern of my future of ever being a wife and a mother, but especially a mother because as a woman you only have a certain amount of time. I started to keep myself busy constantly going out with whoever was available and whoever didn’t remind me of the fact that I wasn’t even close to being married and having children. Don’t get me wrong my friends weren’t at fault that they were talking to me about their wedding plans, baby shower details, bachelorette plans, engagement specifics, etc… I was super happy and supportive to all my friends; I wanted to be involved and help as much as I could, but at the same time it was very difficult for me cause it just reminded me that I wasn’t even close to having it. I was hurting and I didn’t want to share it with them because I didn’t want to ruin their moment or for them to feel sorry for me. It was bad enough that I was starting to feel sorry for myself. I kind of went into denial mode that I was psyching myself out that I was happy and nothing was wrong.
Long story short at the age of 35 years old I decided to meet with a specialist to learn about my options. Little did I know he was going to drop a bomb on me that if I wanted to have a baby I should’ve done IVF like yesterday. Was this a cruel joke? Here I thought I was being proactive checking myself out at a decent age to get informed about my options and really thinking if anything freezing my eggs. In my mind I still had time, I still felt young, I still can find love…so many questions and concerns crossed my mind. After a lot of back & forth I ended up coming across another fertility specialist that was better suited for me. Even though Dr. Thompson was amazing I had a difficult time dealing with my circumstance. I was BROKEN! I felt alone, isolated, and questioned why was this happening to me. Plus, social media didn’t make it any easier with announcements, maternity photos, gender reveals, baby showers, engagements, weddings, baby pictures, and so on… Also, I had pressure from my parents especially my mom due to their old school mentality where marriage and kids it’s the norm; but they tried to support me the best way they could.
After many sleepless nights, uncontrollable crying, counseling and soul searching I had the courage to go back to see Dr. Thompson. It was the best decision in my life because she also gave me the strength to get back on track. I started losing weight, exercising, eating healthy, meditating, & focusing on everything I needed to do in order to be ready for my IUI.
Fast forward to present time, after 2 IUI treatments I had my beautiful twins. As hard as it was making the decision to do it without a partner, dealing with my fertility issue as well as emotional rollercoaster, and going against what my family felt was the “right” way to have a family - it was all worth it.
I feel “lucky” that I only had to do 2 IUI treatments, so many people have to go through many IUI and IVF treatments. My plan of care was 3 IUI treatments and if unsuccessful go onto IVF. Even though it was just 2 IUI treatments I went through hell of rollercoaster, but I would do it all over again. All the tears, anxiety, and financial stress was all worth it. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the love and support I received from Dr. Thompson and counselor Rosa Cartaya.
Little did I know that my life would become a real life episode of FRIENDS where I would play Phoebe Buffay (but instead of having my brother’s kids I had my own). It’s safe to say I’ve found my two “lobsters” and I’m blindly in love with them.
Written by: Karen Zambrana
Follow me on IG @dreams_of_mommiehood
