Why can’t I just…..??
I’ve either asked myself a version of this or heard it asked by other women or Mothers more times than I can count over the years. It is unanswerable, and almost certain to keep us STUCK in the very rut or routine we want to move away from….not to mention topping of the list of minimizing and demoralizing judgements we lay on ourselves. In my private practice I treat many women and Moms, and they echo the same shame based questions I and the women and Moms in my personal life have said/do say to ourselves over……and over……again – “Why can’t I just……I know what to do, why can’t I do it?......If only I would just…..What’s wrong with me that I can’t……??”
(OK – here is where I have to say how much I love punctuation, I love it! I allow run on sentences with too many commas and with too many descriptors in a grand attempt to make a point – Phew! I said it. I speak this way; I want you to see the whole picture or feel the breeze on your neck as I’m describing it – and this is my attempt at delivering that experience on the page. It’s not refined, but it’s me! There, I’ve said it and now you can smile as you read this and no longer have to wonder if I know and just enjoy. Gulp.)
Now, back to said minimizing and demoralizing question……
This is the age-old question of SHAME. The question is benign enough – “Why can’t I just……get up on time to actually make the kids breakfast and not just shove a bar in their hands as I’m yelling and we are running out the door in the mornings?” “Why can’t I just……take better care of myself? I know all the right stuff to do!” “Why can’t I just……exercise a few mornings a week? I know it makes me feel so good.” “Why can’t I just…...get my shit together?!” Sure. Not awful at first glance – BUT, the subtext here is what gnaws away at our confidence, our resolve, our grit.
Here it is, that sneaky, shaming, gnawing subtext and follow-up judgement to the “Why can’t I just……?” question
“If I wasn’t so (insert punitive self-judgement here) I could do it!”
“If only I didn’t have (insert resentment here) to worry about or keeping me up at night, I could do it!”
“I guess I’m just meant to be a (insert self-focused resignation here) for the rest of my life.”
“If only I could be more like (insert social comparison here) and have the help/money/body/time she has, then I could do it.”
It’s these self-judgements, built-up resentments, self-critical resignations and social comparisons, like the proverbial thumb pushing us down and keeping us in our self-doubt and disempowered state of “comfort”. Yup - COMFORT. For many of us, the “seat” of self-critique and self-blame is a well-known and well-worn one – and yes, it does provide a sense of chaffing, burning and churning comfort. For many of us mere humans, our nature is to enjoy the comforts of the “known”. It is the murky “unknown” which alludes and scares us, keeps us from motion and stuck in old ways/thoughts/patterns/beliefs.
Now, this is not to undermine those of us out there who also thrive in spontaneity and surprise. It is the very balanced state of “Why can’t I just…?” that provides us the capability, capacity and GRIT to ignite our resolve and confidence to live in the present and take on the world – and the imbalance which convinces us to stay in our very well-worn seat of shame. Sound familiar? Yeah, to me too
Our ticket through the muck and back into our knowing and owning of our strength, our GRIT – is the skill set we use every day with our kids, our partners, our pets, our friends, our neighbors and the strangers we pass on the street or in the grocery store every…..single……day. This is GRACE. This is COMPASSION. This is LOVE. The difference is in the direction these lovely gifts are given...and when we can begin to turn these on ourselves, we win - every time.
When we can muster the grace, compassion and love to acknowledge and “see” our own experiences the way we allow ourselves to see others’ – our story changes. We can shift the beliefs that we “just don’t have what it takes” or that we are “lazy and just don’t care anymore” (or whatever your story is about “why”) into acknowledgements of changes in our identity, honoring our fatigue, priority shifts or fear of failure and allow ourselves to consider our real and justifiable resistance to something ELSE hard and new………well, it just might allow us the might to (after a nap, snack or bath – low hanging fruit!) do THE VERY THING we are denying ourselves…….because, guess what? – We really are only human and we need the TLC, gentle touch and soft voice that calms our kiddos down enough to go to school on a day that they have a big test, to go to camp for the first time when they’ve never been away from us for longer than a weekend, to try out for something they are afraid they won’t be awarded or to jump off the diving board when they are literally shaking with fear (but secretly want to). We need those calm, soft and loving reminders as well.
So, let’s ask again – “Why can’t I just……?” Well, My Dear gritMAMA – you CAN! It may not be now or today or this week……maybe you need some other need met first or a gentle compassionate reminder of your resilience and capacity for great and hard things……and once you are able to own the benefit of your own grace and feel your capacity for self-love – SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN.
